By Soup Can Sam, Staff Astrologist
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) They say life doesn’t come with an instruction booklet. Well, it also doesn’t come with a map, compass or a protractor. So not only do we not know what’s going on, we also don’t know where we are, where we’re going, or how we’re supposed to get there. Go with the flow this year.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) To err is human, to forgive, divine. This does not, however, apply to the playoffs. There is no forgiveness in the playoffs. Yeah, I’m looking right at you, Rahim Moore.
Aries (March 21-April 19) The moon is in Aquarius today. Or is it Pisces? I really can’t tell with these clouds blocking my view. Why don’t you just go ahead and play it safe and avoid shellfish for the next day or two.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) The celestial bodies show that awards will be granted in all aspects of life (besides baseball). Whether you are in a supporting role or write the script, you too can win. So stretch and warm up: you are in the running to win (unless you played baseball).
Gemini (May 21-June 20) If the shoe fits, buy two pairs.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) You never know who is listening. This applies whether you want them to be or not. You just never know.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) The stars have a bet on your romantic expectations this spring. There will be lots of matter trading hands, Soup Can predicts. Don’t feel self-conscious. There are seven billion people on the planet – ours alone, and the moons are made of dice.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You will be surrounded by funny noises this month. Not ha ha funny. Unusual funny. This will amuse you at first, but you will soon grow annoyed, agitated and develop a low-level, humming rage in your stem cells. You will consider violence, but decide against it for the obvious reasons. And before you know it, the month will be over, and the funny noises will stop to make room for the grating voices. Those will be much more annoying. Hold tight, and let’s reconnect in February.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Take the high road, this month, and you’ll arrive in good shape.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) There is a beautiful glimmer coming out of the constellation Orion. I think that’s Betelgeuse trying to send you a message. I hope you’re up on your interstellar Morse Code.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 23) Whew. What a week. Neptune bumped into Uranus — or vice versa, I get them confused. But as I observed it, having a nonviolent conversation was the right path — ahem — orbit. And so, for you, dear reader, take a lesson: breathe deep, maybe take a walk, and talk it out. Or, bump and bruise your way through.
Capricorn (Dec. 24-Jan. 19) Deny. Deny. Deny. Not sure which astrologist you were listening too, but that is not the way to go. Polaris points to truth-telling, and Oprah Winfrey’s couch.