By Soup Can Sam, Staff Astrologist
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Clack away at your keyboard, but don’t forget there is a world outside of your cubicle for you to explore. Everything’s on track — isn’t it time to check out that new produce market down the street?
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Get out of your house today and use your tail to spear the gear for your new project. You’ve got the daring to get it done, but you already knew that.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Your intuition has proven correct. Delayed gratification is gratification all the same.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Upon hearing the recent news of Ms. Kardashian’s pregnancy, Soup Can ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but would advise Mr. West to get some prenup (‘cause when she leaves your ass, Kanye, she’s gonna leave with half).
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Storm the gates this week. Everyone expects it, and people secretly desire to join you. Make some noise, like the mighty waterfall you are.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) It’s time for a purge. That hole-y sweater you got in college and carried through six moves, that you think has sentimental value because your significant other barfed on you while you were wearing it on your third date (a house party on State Street) — yeah, it’s disgusting. And you haven’t worn it for three years. When in doubt, throw it out.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Lost your way? Try a deep clean before you complain or seek alternate means of guidance. You’re not being babysat, after all. Some shit stains need to be wiped away before moving forward. To the bathroom!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You run the show, but not everyone does it alone — even you know that. Got a Gemini squawking in your ear? Take advantage of what they have to say.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) There is no reason to be displeased with a job well done. Just because you’re stoic doesn’t mean you can’t crack a smile and have the occasional celebration.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) Your diplomatic ways have paid off. They are convinced. Pick up that phone and go for it!
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 23) Haven’t been keeping up? Soup Can sees new life which will likely be the heir to the throne. Better keep watching it.
Capricorn (Dec. 24-Jan. 19) At the end of the day there are two colors: red and black. You are also another day older. But keep on dreaming. It’s an epic tale.