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SOLD! Until they pissed it away

The Heidelmoss family of Greensboro, Ind., (above) were ready to close on their dream home last week when they learned they would have to submit to urine and blood analysis in order to receive their mortgage.

The policy is a new law that requires families prove their sobriety when they receive tax dollars to help them into housing. It includes random testing of all residents in the household for the length of the loan and could result in forfeiture of property if recreational substances are found.

At issue was the mortgage interest tax deduction, the nation’s leading housing subsidy program with an estimated annual drag on the nation’s budget of between $70 billion and $100 billion in giveaways. It is one of many tax deductions and benefits granted to homeowners like the Heidelmosses, along with property tax deductions and a deduction on the capital gains on the sale of real property, even if it was only used for two years.

“We thought drug testing was only for welfare recipients,” said Nigel Heidelmoss, the family’s patriarch who refused testing and lost the house.“I don’t understand why they’re coming after us. My wife’s drinking habits shouldn’t have anything to do with getting into a home. It’s not like she does it on the street.”

This article is part of Street Roots' annual satire edition released each year for April Fools Day.