Cancer (June 21-July 22) My advice to you is to find someone this month to give you better advice. Seriously.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Tweet this horoscope @StreetRoots and bashful rainbow unicorns will appear in your dreams with a band full of prideful leprechauns singing Fleetwood Mac covers. Promise.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Just get through the month…
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22) There isn’t a Google road map to love. And if there was, it would probably be all screwed up and give you directions that are way out of the way. Trust your instincts.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 23) There’s a lot of pressure, publishing the only remotely funny thing in this entire paper. Don’t take yourself too seriously, seriously. We all got problems.
Capricorn (Dec. 24-Jan. 19) Don’t fall in love with a dreamer. They will make you pay all of the rent in the end.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) If you hate life when you aren’t drinking, but love it when you are, you might be a raging alcoholic. Think about a change, but not too hard.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Enjoy your privacy. Hahaha! Just kidding.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Completely ignore any middle-aged white male who gives you any kind of advice at all — especially about life, your body, the future and especially ethics.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Apparently, if you’re powerful enough in Portland you can get away with sexual harassment and being a complete ass hat. (Don’t edit this out. No, not this either!). If you aren’t the mayor or work for him, then beware of the cat calls, yo.
Gemini (May 21-June 22) I would say get prepared for the summer heat, but by the time this goes to print it will probably be in the 60s and overcast. Best to be prepare for anything this summer.