Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You may think you’re making sense, but you’ve thought that before.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Passion will be your pilot this month. Scotch will be your jet fuel.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Ride the waves! Wet or otherwise.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Just because it’s getting cold out does not mean that your car is a substitute refrigerator. Stop doing that.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) We all know that hot dogs are an American classic. And we all know not to feel good about eating them because we all know we don’t want to know what’s in them, but this month, my dear Aquarius, take a break from the veggie dogs. Because you really don’t want to know what’s in those.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Write more postcards. They’re fast, simple and yet personal. Your friends will be filled with joy when they come to their mailboxes. Or they’ll be disappointed that you didn’t chip in an extra 20 cents and 30 minutes to send a real letter.
Aries (March 21-April 19) In the wise words of one Street Roots vendor who has taken a trip to the other side: kill ‘em with kindness. It works every time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Once we shake off the evils of Obamacare, we’re sure to have more time to spend working to pay off those doctor bills, the ones we finally broke down and accumulated after putting health care aside until things got real bad and all, but just in time so we could still make the minimal payments while shackled with a soul-sucking debt for the rest of our lives. That, as the GOP says, is smart money. Better sock away for that rainy day.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Is it just me or is it starting to smell at little “1984” up in here? The NSA’s largest data mine yet is just opening up in Utah. Buckle up, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. By the way, this conversation is bugged.
Cancer (June 21-July. 22) Sometimes a warm hug is all you need to make up with an old friend you’ve had a fight with. Make sure it’s consensual.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) It’s fall. Wool is itchy. You should know that by now. You’re a grown-up. Act like it.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Paranoia isn’t for everybody.