Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Let your smile be the extra layer of fleece in your sensible shoes this month! Stay warm inside and out!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Don’t get paranoid about all of the white vans you’ll begin seeing toward the end of the month. Just go about your business like normal.
Aries (March 21-April 19) It’s not you, it’s your cell phone. Relax, soon Mercury in Retrograde will be over and you can get back to making the typos yourself.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) By the 24th, you will be quite tired and cranky. Some will say you have developed a “short fuse” and need to take some time off. Not sure what that’s about. You?
Gemini (May 21-June 20) In the name of science a Danish zoo fed a giraffe to lions. Now is the time to feed your unwanted giraffes to the lions.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Learn how to pick locks before midnight, Feb. 19.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Plan ahead: Good coffee, cheesecake, whipped cream and a Street Roots. Because Sunday morning will be here, come hell or high water.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You heard about all the stray dogs in Sochi. What about all the dogs that need homes here? Check out the local shelter for some furry cuddles.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) If you find yourself feeling irrelevant this month, knock on one of the white vans circling your neighborhood.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) No matter how reliable it has been in the past, by the end of this month, flatulence will cease to amuse.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec.21) There’s been so much press coverage of the 20th anniversary of Tonya Harding’s bashing of Nancy Kerrigan, but nothing in Street Roots yet. WHY? WHY? WHY?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) We made it through the #Snowpocalypse, #SnowLandia #TriMetMeltDown, #pdxtst and pretty much every other hashtag you can imagine to cleverly describe the weather phenomenon we so rarely get. You survived. Put the snow chains away for another three years.