Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20) Boss caught you looking at ESPN again? Woops. At least you’ll be able to rattle off statistics about his favorite sports teams. You can brown nose and catch up on your sports news, too.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Forget the iPhone today. Dust off your palm pilot: pens and hands at the ready. Careful how you fall asleep though, or you will have face pilot.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) There are asteroids in your sky. Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson says not to worry; but Astrologist Soup Can says otherwise. Football-field sized asteroids are in your orbit, you can thank Atari for equipping you with skills necessary to get through the worst of it. Spin quickly and face them.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) I saw a Segway in the bike lane on my way to the astrology center this week. Rude. Don’t be that person.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Cut your toenails! Stop looking at them, being uncomfortable, and wishing you did something about it. Just do it, those toes are nasty.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Stand for something. Then talk about it for 13 hours. Ask questions. A la Rand Paul goes to Washington. Demand answers.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Public transportation is the instant grits of social psychology experiments. Take a bunch of strangers, put ‘em in a confined space, add a little stress (moreso if we’re talking about TriMet), and voila, the ultimate people watching experience. Who needs TV when you’ve got the bus?!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Hear that mewing? It’s your cat. The cat people called and had a few suggestions: 1) Get the scoopable litter. 2) Make sure it has the right food. 3) Do not put tape on its paws or it will resign as your pet and send a letter to PETA.
Scopio (Oct. 23-Dec. 22) I would like to think you’re going to have a good month. But the reality is, it’s probably not going to happen Scorpio. Get over it. Move on. You can shed all that bad energy in April and get on with it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 23) Snowquester. Too clever. I am taking that person’s job. Soup Can Sam, staff astrologist & meteorologist. Here come the combination political weather puns.
Capricorn (Dec. 24-Jan. 19) Don’t worry about that door that recently closed on you, as others are sure to open up. But do yourself a favor and remember to rap on the bathroom door before opening up that one. Some things are best left unseen.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Beware the Ides of March. Also beware of people speaking in Shakespearean sonnets — year round.